Now I’m traveling from Kiev to Dnipropetrovsk and finally have some time to properly capture my everything that happened to me at XPRO:)
I guess it’ll be a long story to tell, but still very exiting (at least for me:)
All started with preparation which was quite hectic as I had plenty of things to do, and limited time (it often happens to me before conferences, who knows maybe I’m not guru of time management:))
I had loads of luggage as usual, but scales in MC flat were broken so only thing I had a chance to do was wondering whether I have overweight or notJ all MC members and Bogdan said that I for sure have more then 20 kilos so all my way to airport I was trying to figure out what will I do in airport. It came out to be only 15,5 kg, at that moment was about to kill somebody who told me that I for sure have not less then 25 kilos:)
I had a nice and safe trip to Munich, spent 2 or 3 hours in duty free shops thereJ then my flight was delayed for an hour and I was wondering who is that person who caused such delay. As it often happens in life it was the person I knew – one of facilitators:)
First day in Serbia was really nice – we spent all day for sightseeing and tasting traditional Serbian food. That was basically my first meeting with vast majority of facilita
tors and first challenge for my networking and communication skills. My key learning from that day – Belgrade is similar to Sevastopol, Serbians eat a lot of meat, boiled wine in cafe near the river is great, networking skills matter:)
We spent our transition (sleeping and teambuilding time) in nice and really funny flat. I guess it was kindergarten before. With lots of bright pictures on the walls, mattresses for sleeping and 1 bathroom with broken lockJ but those attempts of trying to guess whether somebody is in bathroom or not without knocking were good for sensing the team. Ha-ha-ha:)
Pre-meeting part was very interesting for me, completely different from what I used to in Ukraine. I wasn’t able to understand what was all that for before certain day of the conference, so in the beginning I had kind of feeling that we were wasting our time.
I’m really thankful to Coco for a conversation that we had one day on our way to dinner. Most probably it was exactly something that I needed to find answer for those questions that I had in my head.
I remember kind of football game with Kevins’ ball in pre-meeting room before meeting with CC. I found myself completely clumsy, but enjoyed it anyways:)
As I’m writing all of it so many thoughts, feelings and emotions are popping up in m
y head. I realize that it’s truth that in the end of the day, whatever happens people remember only good things what’ve happened to them.
4 or 5 hours trip to hotel, and meeting at 2 am with facis and sleepless night with session preparation ( I felt really stupid after the feedback that I received for session content on the one hand, but really determined to make it really good on the other hand. I don’t know how to describe it, most probably it’s a mix of ambition and dedication that I had ;) that I remember excitement that all facis shared few minutes before delegates came in. and a powerful beginning with different ppts, balloons and smiles, smiles, smiles:)
Me as a leader session – most probably one of the turning points in my conference experience, because of the feelings that I had before, during and after the session, because of the support that I felt from that short term session team, because of what people said to me after the session, because of the understanding what does it mean to speak not what was prepared and rehearsed in front of the mirror, but what comes from your heart. I still have got no idea why this session gave so much meaning to me… most probably that’d be the biggest secret of the whole conference for me;)
Then time started to move really fast, I was trying to capture each moment, each word, each conve
rsation that I had. I guess I prepared myself for the conference with building expectations, defining people I need to talk to, skills that I need to develop but never prepared for what it really was and what it really gave me....
I believe I had failure with the session on the last day. There were some reasons that I was able to influence as well as those I wasn’t able to influence. But I again got a learning here.. after the conference my eyes were full of tears so I rushed to faci room to cry there alone, I decided not to go to closing plenary because I though that I don’t deserve being there as I didn’t bring any added value to the conference with such session. I was standing there along, watching snow, crying.. and I guess it was first time in my life when while having that type of emotions and blaming myself for all evil that exists in the world I managed to think logically…. Whatever happened has already happened and I can only take learning from that, I can capture my feelings and emotions to prepare myself next time better and prevent having this feelings again. I came there for 2 reasons – to make this conference an amazing experience for delegates and a powerful experience for myself. I thought about how many times during my work in AIESEC I had the same goals let’s say for the conference, and how much I was focusing on making conference a great experience for delegates completely forgetting about my own experience. I was thinking that I can’t even imagine what a negative impact I got blaming myself for everything bad that ever happened to me. All that always brought me a lot of disappointment and discouraged me a lot. And now I came to an understanding that my experience is only what I’m making out of it myself, and if I want to stand there and cry, I’ll do it and will fell alone and stupid forever or what would I feel if I go back to plenary where 200 delegates 14 facis, more then 25 CC members will share their emotions and experience.. what would be if I go there, listen to it and understand that maybe I was a part of positive experience that they had, what if time that we spent during sessions, working groups, home groups, conversations had a meaning for them, what if I was that part of their learning, what if this conference brought them at least part of that learning that it brought for me. If this is all truth, then I brought some added value.
Maybe that sound strange for person after 4 years in AIESEC to come to such “basic” conclusions, maybe I should have done it few years ago at my first conference, maybe it should have happen to me in some time, maybe after AIESEC… there is no right answer. it happens when it happens, whenever it happens is the right time for it to happen ( I know I violated a bit all those principles), but this is what is important for me now.
I have a nice feeling of being exhausted of writing all of these emotions here, but this is
a pleasant feeling. I feel that it became more structured (ha-ha, structure is always important for me:)))). I feel happy that I have a chance to share it with those people that are reading this blog (have got no idea about all of them, only some are posting commentsJ), I feel happy that I’ll have a chance to get back to what is written here in hard times that I’ll for remind myself of those feelings that I had and find inspiration for continuing whatever I do next in my life. I feel happy that I don’t want to check what I wrote here just because it was exactly what I felt no matter I had grammar or other mistakes. I feel happy that I became more open and can share some of my feelings with others. I have so many ideas about why do I feel happy now and that makes me being even happier:)
Masha
P. S. as soon as I reached internet I wanted to read everything I wrote above to correct and make it less emotional, because rational part of me told me that I don’t have to share that all. But another part of me, which I still don’t know how to call, let’s call it new Masha persuaded just to post it without reading.. I’m not sure whether this is a right decision and normally I’d never do that. But most probably it’s good to challenge yourself and do something new, even if it’s blog posting:)
